One of my marriage guidance clients, Paul, was confused about why his relationship seemed to be deteriorating, despite his use of the ‘Time Out’ technique I had taught him. To Paul, the absence of arguments for over a month indicated progress, given their prior level of conflict. However, his wife Serena was dissatisfied with what she perceived as ‘his continual withdrawal’ and ‘running away from the relationship.’ Paradoxically, she appeared more inclined to end their marriage than before they had started counselling.

If you’d like to learn about one of the major relationship killers identified by two prominent marriage guidance experts and how to avoid it, please read on.

It’s widely known that men tend to withdraw when they feel attacked, sometimes described as ‘retreating to their cave.’ Women may demonstrate a subtler form of this behaviour through the silent treatment, cold shoulder, or, as my father called it, ‘putting him in the doghouse.’ These actions can persist for hours or days, and when they occur frequently, they can be highly destructive in a relationship. The issue is so significant that marriage guidance expert John Gottman includes ‘Stonewalling’ among his four relationship destroyers. Similarly, Terry Real lists ‘Stonewalling’ in his own list of five relationship-ending behaviours. Clearly, this issue has been straining partnerships for over a century.

Why do men behave this way?

As a broad generalisation, men often reside in an emotionally detached state, prompting women to pursue them. While this dynamic may be reversed in some couples, let’s focus on Paul’s case. For Paul, arguing felt ‘beneath’ him; he considered it messy, unnecessary, and would do anything to avoid it. He had adapted the ‘time out’ technique to justify his withdrawal, a pattern he had developed from childhood experiences.

Growing up, Paul had witnessed his parents engage in intense arguments, vowing never to find himself in similar circumstances. His parents were deeply unhappy, and on at least two occasions, he saw his mother hurling crockery at his father. Understandably, Paul came to associate all arguing with negative and potentially dangerous consequences, concluding that it was best avoided. He preferred isolation in his garage to risking Serena’s anger.

What Paul, and many others in his situation, need to realise is that arguing can sometimes serve as a means to reconnect. So long as contempt is not a feature then not all fights are detrimental to a relationship. However, Paul’s choice to live behind an emotional barrier left him feeling protected yet disconnected from Serena. As a result, Serena felt increasingly lonely and unhappy, as nothing she said seemed to break through Paul’s wall, except for her most extreme behaviours. Resorting to throwing pots and pans was rapidly becoming a tactic she considered using to re-engage with him.

Contrary to popular belief, I firmly believe that men are at least as emotional as women, if not more so. However, men often lack the skills to process their emotions constructively, leading them to suppress or avoid their feelings as something shameful. When a man retreats to his ‘cave’ (slamming doors, turning on the television, or locking himself in the bathroom), it is likely because he fears confronting the intense emotions that may surface if he remains open and vulnerable. This self-imposed isolation leaves him just as lonely as his partner, yet it feels preferable to the vulnerability he seeks to avoid. As a man the sad fact is that Paul had been taught that the number one rule was to never display weakness or vulnerability. 

Why it’s a losing strategy.

Paul needed to recognise, through marriage guidance, that his withdrawal was a self-defeating strategy that would eventually jeopardise his relationship. He had to learn that Serena’s occasional criticisms did not negate her love for him and that healthy couples do argue as a means of establishing boundaries and fostering growth.

A ‘time out’ is a valuable technique for introducing space into a discussion when either partner feels they may say something hurtful. When used appropriately, it can greatly benefit a relationship; however, misusing this tool can have detrimental effects. The key distinction lies between ‘responsible distance taking’ and ‘creating a rupture,’ as outlined by relationship expert Terry Real. It is crucial to agree on a ‘time in’ when calling a ‘time out’ to reassure your partner that you will return to the discussion.

Typically, this should be within 40 minutes. If either of you remains upset after this time, briefly check in and agree to take another 40 minutes. If, even after that, you cannot discuss the matter calmly, take a couple of hours to regain your composure.

Following his newfound understanding, Paul made new agreements with Serena. He would now declare an official ‘time out’ and specify a time he’d return whenever he felt tempted to retreat to his garage. His minimum cooling-off period would be 40 minutes. Additionally, Paul introduced the concept of a ‘soft time out,’ which involved cuddling on the sofa and watching their favourite show, when they couldn’t trust themselves to talk calmly. This strategy helped maintain love and connection, even during moments of tension.

The Result.

For Serena, the most significant change was feeling less abandoned and insecure about their marriage, as Paul no longer appeared contemptuous and dismissive when she was upset. She felt more empowered to address the issues causing frustration and resentment, reducing her tendency to nag, knowing Paul would listen.

As a result of these changes, Paul and Serena are much happier. Serena feels heard, even if they need to take time out during discussions. Paul also feels better, realising that his previous tendency to retreat to the garage left him lonely and miserable. His understanding of how arguing can bring them closer together demonstrated the effectiveness of their marriage guidance.

Their experiences illustrate the importance of healthy communication and emotional connection in fostering a strong, loving relationship.

Best wishes,

Tips on dealing with arguments

Get Real

Love and anger are distinct yet equally valid emotions. Being open to conflict shows that you trust your partner enough to share your pain. Withdrawal and stonewalling convey the opposite message. Remember that someone being angry with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that you’re a bad person; they’re simply expressing their anger, which is a valid emotion as long as it’s not accompanied by contempt.

Get a Grip

Sometimes, it may be necessary to postpone a discussion for a day. If something has been recently triggered, it can easily be reignited. Focus on reconnecting with your feelings of fondness for each other in some way. If you need to spend time apart, avoid dwelling on negative thoughts about your partner or convincing yourself you’d be better off alone. Instead, engage in calming activities such as walking the dog, taking a long bath, or watching your favourite show.

Get an Education

Two highly recommended books for understanding and managing conflict in relationships are ‘Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage’ by John Gottman and ‘The New Rules of Marriage’ by Terrence Real. Both of these life-changing marriage guidance books offer practical solutions for many common relationship challenges.